To the man sitting next to our family at dinner, I didn't appreciate the reminder. Yes you were trying to be jovial, and make a connection, but sir you just don't get it. I will try not to make assumptions about your family, because that's the very sin you are guilty of, but it seems your privilege at least extends to the creation of your beautiful family of a wife and three girls. That's what I saw on the outside. I would never boast to know how you got there, or if your marriage is a happy one, or if you and your children are healthy. Or if perhaps the hardships in your life have had nothing to do with your family. Because I know we all have a story. But sir, do you?


When you showed off your gorgeous new baby to my two year old and we ooed and aahed, that wasn't an invitation to ask my two and a half year old if she has any brothers and sisters (which by the way... couldn't you probably tell when you looked at my husband and I and our young daughter out with our extended family?). When we replied "no," and your response was "Well come on Mom and Dad!" you couldn't know the deep pain that causes us. You couldn't possibly know of the trauma we faced post birth; my surgeries, the fear, the weeks in the hospital. And now thirty months later the continued recovery, the fact that not an hour goes by that my body isn't reminded either physically or emotionally of all it's been through. And the deep desire to give our daughter a sibling but the terror involved in another pregnancy and delivery.


You couldn't possibly know that out of that desire has grown the dream to adopt an infant. That less than three weeks ago we experienced a failed adoption. The very day after we finally told our daughter she would get to be big sister to a baby brother, when we thought we were getting the call to go pick him up at the hospital- we instead got the news that our birth family had made the brave decision to raise him. So when you ask my little girl if she has a brother or sister and she says "Yes I have a baby brother!" over and over because she is still figuring this all out... you couldn't know how that broke my heart. You couldn't see that I swallowed my tears to finish sobbing in the car on the way home.


So please sir, while I don't blame you for your comments I do blame your privilege. And all of our privilege for that matter- our white privilege, class privilege, American privilege, the privilege to have children easily, to be straight, to be healthy, and able bodied.


Sir you reminded me of the deep need to walk in each other's shoes, on the very day that our nations government took a turn in the opposite direction. I don't usually make political statements, and I don't plan to start now. But this tiny example of my personal sadness made clear the reason I will walk in the Women's March today. For anyone whose story needs to be told, for all those underserved. Any amount of privilege you experience, for whatever reason, should compel you to stand in support.


As one of my favorite pastors reminded me today, the Lord moves through what is hard. God has us in his hands: me, my family, and our country, and as scary as it is-I trust Him.

First and foremost, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful Mama’s out there. I hope you all are having (or had) an extraordinary day and feel the love from your family. The phrase “the struggle is real” is used in our culture today as a way to provide a comical relief to a non-critical, yet undesirable situation. However, as Mama’s have opened up and been more transparent over the last couple of years this phrase has started to take on a new meaning. Being a Mama is challenging in itself but mixing it with the sin of this world creates an even more daunting task. Whether it’s a health issue with you or a loved one, family struggles, job frustrations, fertility challenges, the list goes on…... It is probably safe to say the struggle is actually real and the strength you Mama’s display every day is admirable and an inspiration for all. Today, please take the time to look in the mirror, BUT not to critique yourself, rather to delight in God’s beauty and strength that is staring right back at you.

Now…. if you are wondering why Mama Giraffe is taking the time on Mama’s Day to write this post your thought is warranted. However, this post isn’t coming from the hoof of Mama Giraffe but rather the hooves of Baby and Papa Giraffe who believed there was no better time to invite ourselves as surprise guests to the blog (we hope you don’t mind Mama Giraffe but we know your passwords!).

Baby and Papa Giraffe are extremely blessed to have such a strong, courageous and caring Mama. We are so proud of our Mama Giraffe and the way she has stepped outside of her comfort zone to share her story and touch the lives of so many other Mama’s. We are encouraged daily by her faith in the Lord and how she is always seeking His will. Although we could go on and on praising our Mama Giraffe (did we mention we think she is the best?), Baby Giraffe thought it would come across as bragging and suggested we keep it between the three of us. What can I say she gets her modesty and humbleness from her Mama. Since we don’t know anything about being a Mama, Baby Giraffe had the brilliant idea to reach out to Mama Giraffe’s followers (the experts) and get their input on Mama Giraffe.

“You are a true fighter and have so much courage as a Mama. Baby Giraffe is the most adorable, stylish and fearless little princess, she’s your mini me for sure! I think God has taken your story and made it into a beautiful journey for your family! Baby Giraffe is so lucky to have you as a mom to look up to, to be encouraged by and to be loved on!” – Mama Horse

“Baby Giraffe’s demeanor is a true reflection of her Mamas love. Your perseverance in the midst of struggle has produced patience, understanding, and a grateful heart as a Mama. You are creative, dedicated and passionate about your convictions and an inspiration for other women and Mama’s.” – Mama Bear

“A beautiful aspect of who you are as a Mama, is shaping Baby Giraffe's identity as a child of God. Being a child of God means resembling the things of Him; holiness, purity, life-giving, and light. Baby Giraffe will grow up seeing the way you resemble these characteristics of Christ” – Mama Turkey

“Mama Giraffe models for Baby Giraffe the beauty of “human” kindness and true generosity through your interactions with others and selfless generosity to those in need.” – Mama Panda

“You have so many great qualities! You are selfless, patient, and compassionate beyond words. Your love and creativity overflows with your interaction with Baby Giraffe every day. I respect your calm, peaceful, nonjudgmental and understanding personality as Mama and friend!” - Mama Bunny

“Your care and thoughtFULLness has always been what stands out most about you, what I believe is your best characteristic. It leads to a selflessness, genuineness, and gracefulness that is unique to you, it's what people know as 'Mama Giraffe'. I can confidently say this is one of the greatest gifts you can give and is reflected in the way you are a Mam.a” – Mama Tiger

“I love to see you delight in Baby Giraffe. It is obvious from the fierce tenderness you show her that you see her as God has made her to be, and that gifted perspective enables you to be patient and firm and loving.” – Mama Frog

“I think most people that know Mama Giraffe, almost always associate her with the word kind. Above all, I believe that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to be kind and to love unconditionally. Mama Giraffe seems to do that with ease. You can see that through Baby Giraffe's zest for life and her endless amount of smiles.. I know I consider myself amongst the lucky to call Mama Giraffe a friend and Baby Giraffe is one lucky little lady to call her Mama" – Mama Sheep

“Mama Giraffe’s never ending dedication, selflessness and love for Baby Giraffe is truly amazing. More than that, Baby Giraffe brings out the best aspects of you- you're creativity with cute little projects, you're positivity and enjoyment of all her milestones and accomplishments. It has been so amazing to watch you grow into such a beautiful Mama!” – Mama Hippo

“Mama Giraffe your commitment to be a learner and to grow and to know others all define the beautiful YOU, and in turn, will carry on to those two little watching eyes. What a gift. Baby Giraffe is SO crazy lucky to have you as her Mama- to have you to watch and to model and to know that she is deeply known. You are fun and silly, you embrace laughter and celebration. And you are intentional and wise, and embrace honesty and vulnerability. You are a warrior. And you are a gift.” - Mama Bunny

Baby and Papa Giraffe want to thank all of the Mama’s out there who not only took the time to encourage Mama Giraffe but who also are strong role models and advocates for her day in and day out. Additionally, it would be foolish of Baby and Papa Giraffe if we didn’t make a special shout out to Nana and GG Giraffe who have set the bar high when it comes to being a Mama. One of Mama Giraffe’s supporters said it perfectly when she said this “Nana and GG Giraffe have cultivated two generations that I have now gotten to see in both Mama Giraffe and Baby Giraffe as woman of God, faithful to walk in His ways no matter what challenges come. I have seen two generations of beauty (inside and out). I have seen in Mama Giraffe the same thoughtfulness and care that I have seen in Nana and GG Giraffe, shown each time I see them. Nana and GG Giraffe are blessing to those around them and more importantly have passed on a continued blessing of generations who resemble your care, joy, patience, endurance, love, peace, and faithfulness.”

Baby and Papa Giraffe want you all to keep this “Mama Giraffe” movement going. Encourage Mama Giraffe to finish her book, continue being transparent in the blogs and please share the website with everybody you know. Baby and Papa Giraffe are excited to see how God continues to use Mama Giraffe and her website to impact the lives others.

Finally, Baby Giraffe wants to thank Mama Giraffe for always staying true to herself and being the best Mama she could ask for. She wants to end by quoting the young and wise Kid President “thanks for believing in us, putting up with us, and straight up loving us!”

Colostrum difficile is a horrible thief. I've called this nasty infection lots of names over the last few months- not many of which I would admit out loud. But suffice it to say that I've decided she's a girl- and a mean one. Sometimes I feel like she has dismantled my identity piece by piece. 

She has robbed me of being a parent to my little girl. What feels like a million times I have had to say, "Mommy doesn't feel good sweetie-" and unlike when she was an infant, she knows that I am not there or am not fully present. 

She has taken away my ability to exercise and eat healthy.

Though he is still the best partner, nurse, and advocate I could ask for...She has violated the relationship I have with my husband, one is has taken months to rebuild after so many pelvic surgeries and trauma. 

She has taken me away from my job as a teacher- one I love, in which I find joy, healthy stress, and passion. She has made me feel like I abandoned my students and their families.

Sometimes, in moments of extreme pain or another gut-wrenching trip to the bathroom, c diff has even taken away my faith. She makes me question the steadfastness of the Lord and His ability to intercede on my behalf.

If you don't know what c diff is, go ahead and check it out here http://mobile.the-scientist.com/article/30486/wrestling-with-recurrent-infections, or just google it. It's one of those things that is becoming sadly more common, but unless you've had it, you can't really "get it;" just like every other human experience we have. The doctor confirmed that I had the infection weeks after my thirteenth surgery this past August- one required to take care of the abcesses from an another unexpected pelvic infection.  It comes as a result of extended use of antibiotics, and typically just requires another round of antibiotics (seems counterintuitive, I realize). Yet 5 courses of antibiotics, 6 months, one fecal transplant, and quite a few tears later, here we are. Unless we're really tight and you've heard me go on and on about disgusting symptoms, just not feeling like myself, fecal transplants, and doctors appointments, you might look at me and think "you're fine!" I even sometimes question it myself, because I have moments of feeling pretty ok, and can even function, do errands, and somewhat take care of my little one. But then the debilitating aches will hit me a few hours after I eat and I become bedridden. Or every single time I wake up: from a nap, in the middle of sleep, every morning...and my tummy just hurts. Bad. 

So I am choosing to write this update now, in the middle of my c diff journey: when I'm not healed, the battle is not yet over, the verdict not in. I am consistently challenged by people, both in my own time and in the Word, who choose to praise Jesus in the middle of a storm- many in a tempest much more tumultuous than my own. So as this thief continues to ravage my life, I am choosing to step away from comparison and worldliness, into singing his praises.

What I have learned through c diff, a new chapter in my ongoing wrestle with this life, is that trusting in and loving God, like in any other loving relationship, is a choice. In my study of the book of Haggai, in the Old Testament, it became quickly apparent to me that the Lord wishes us to put him first, whether our burdens be light or heavy, and that he will be with us:

"' Be strong all you people of the land,' declares the Lord Almighty. 'This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And my spirit remains among you. Do not fear.'" -Haggai 2:4-5. A good friend sent me the lyrics to Lauren Daigle's powerful "Trust in You," and for me there is no greater power than in her statement: 

"There's no place I stand that you've not already stood." It helps me to know that Jesus intimately knows every little trial and joy we face. When I think about that, it's really not important that any other human understand. 

So. He was here. He is here. And He is not going anywhere. And in the middle of this season, I will choose to see it as temporary, and choose Jesus. 

This latest page shows the point in Mama Giraffe where baby Giraffe is helping Hippo out of a bubbly mud pit he is stuck in! Coincidentally I feel just like Hippo- stuck, but grateful for everything and everyone that are trying to pull him out.

Today is my baby's first birthday. It is not about me. It's about the healthy, passionate, vivacious child that I got to carry for ten months, give birth to, and enjoy for 365 days. I would be lying if I said that I didn't write today partially because I just want you all to understand, to empathize, and not wonder why I may shed tears behind my smile, or forget to smile altogether over the next few weeks. Yet I know, even I as write this, that you still won't really understand all the painful moments that occurred over the last year... And you shouldn't! Just as I cannot possibly understand what you may have, are, or will endure in this life. Yet it is still okay to not be okay. We're called to be honest. In Colossians 3:9, it reads "Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices." I want to have washed my old self away. I want to reflect a new creation: strong, deeply rooted in Jesus,  but changed. So please don't be offended if you've asked me if I'm excited about her first birthday and my answer has been "yes," followed quickly by "But..." I've struggled to explain, except to my closest people, what I am reliving, because no matter what I say it seems as if I have forgotten the gift of a beautiful healthy child, and a wonderful life that I have been given. Forgive me for grimacing if you've said the all too common, "it goes so very fast!" You're right, the first year of raising a child does go by so fast in the long run, but if I'm telling the truth- those first few months of what felt like constant doctors appointments, fears, a great deal of pain and always operating under the haze and regimen of medication sometimes seemed to creep on so slowly that I would pray that time would accelerate- even so knowing I was wishing away precious time with my baby. Trust me, I recognize that I am blessed, deeply, widely, and so immensely that it is humbling. Yet if you can, try to understand, or think of a time when your greatest triumph and joy came in tandem with your deepest fears coming true. My daughter's birthday and the days that follow are days of joy, and I will celebrate life, but I am human. So you see for me the two will forever be entwined. 

Most women don't leave the hospital unable to really walk or sit down in a wheel chair, in nearly as much excruciating pain as the labor they experienced mere days before. They don't look back at the photos of the very first time they held their child, knowing that that moment of heaven was the very same moment a terrible infection entered their body. They don't ride home, and then back a few more times to the hospital in so much pain that they aren't really attending to their child. They don't have to send their newborn home without them for weeks each night, saying good bye to their most cherished people, including the tiny soul they just got to meet a few days prior-- trying not to wonder if those moments might be their last meeting on earth. I could go on and on, but I won't. These memories hurt, and I have lots of them. I am also haunted by the fact that there is so much I don't remember about the first few weeks, and months of my daughter's life as I lived in a foggy, drug and pain influenced state. I won't go on because you get the idea, and that's not what this is about. 

My baby girl, now a big one year old girl, and the trials of the last twelve months, have helped me really grasp the Father's love for us. Thank you to all of you who have contributed to this understanding. Many of you have reached out to me today and in the days past, and will be praying over the next few weeks as the first anniversary of my hospital stay runs its course. Thank you so much for your courage, strength, and willingness to listen and respond with love and remembrance. The Holy Spirit is truly at work, and today when I woke up on Zoe's birthday I really felt joy. I didn't have to pretend or stuff anxiety down, I really felt it. I attribute that to your prayer and persistence in loving me even when it's not easy. I am so thankful for my parents, my grandparents, my in laws, and extended family, my closest friends, and my wonderfully patient and unconditionally loving husband. For you all stick with me, in my imperfection, and you take care of me anyway.

If you are in the middle of your worst fears coming true right now, I am so sorry. Suffering, on whatever level, just sucks. Like me you will see that the light returns and that God is good. But that doesn't mean it doesn't really hurt, or that a resurgence of your pain in anxiety or in flooding memories that you feel you can't overcome with music, mantras, and prayer, makes you less courageous, or less worthy of God's grace. I am still learning this, but I am hopeful.  I have decided to post this today, and use nap time to get it all down, because I hope it helps us all get a little more real, understand God more deeply, and have compassion for one another in our troubles. 

Today I ran. Not the hobbling, oh man this doesn't feel right but I have to try, the I'll just walk for a bit until it gets better shuffle, the dismayed "this is my new reality" walk. But I really ran!! In the rain, head held high, maybe not Olympic level... But for me who felt I would never be able to really run again, it felt go-ood. 

It brought me so much courage that I was convicted to write again and shout out that God is good, that He is a healer.

If I'm honest, I haven't changed. You can read more about that on my guest post at Sara Kiiru's Two Story House Blog, as part of www.sarakiiru.com. (When you have a moment, go back and read all of Sara's amazing work, as well as the guest posters in the Two Story House blog. I am honored to call these women friends, and I know you will learn as much from them as I have). As I wrote there,

"In reality, this process of moving on from a painful, teaching time—building my second story, so to speak—has exposed some really ugly things in my foundation. There’s competitiveness, pride, and jealousy in there, and I’ve come to realize this: the work God has done and is doing on my body to heal it, simply pales in comparison to the work He is doing in my heart. While I thought I had finally had that formational experience that many people talk about in their lives, the one that brings them closer to God and changes them forever, I realized to my dismay,  that while I may have had such an experience, I am the same me. The me who used to compare my good deeds to those of others…still compares. The me who used to analyze every little thing I said to be sure I sounded humble enough… still analyzes. I may have grown in these areas, but boy, do I have a ways to go. In this season of my life, the Lord is calling me out of myself."

Equally as convicting as my ability to finally run without inhibition, was the sermon "The Struggle is the Same (Me Too) by Pastor Furtick from Elevation Church, in which he says, "Your struggle is a sign that God is working in you. If the devil had won, he would have taken you already! God is still at work in your struggle." Such good news, and though I still have some down days (as we all do!) I am seeing God at work every day- in my beautiful little girl who radiates joy, in new perspective, in new opportunities. 

As my physical struggles ebb and flow, the emotional ones manifest in ways I thought I had conquered. I thought I had empathy down, mastered. I am constantly being taught that there is a time and place to tell my story, and that in those opportunities I must shout out about the pain and its resolve as a testament to God's glory, but there is also a time purely for empathy. Simply extending comfort and love, as Pastor Furtick explained, as opposed to advice based on our own experience. Just yesterday someone shared with me that their experience post baby was challenging. Something in me just couldn't carry on with the conversation without sharing the tale of my own struggle as opposed to the empathetic "I'm sorry, that must have been so hard" that I would have wanted myself. 

I'm still in my struggle. My humanness makes me want to share my pain and trials, but my salvation makes me want to forget about myself and simply offer the message that God is so good. He WILL heal. He WILL conquer. And he WILL faithfully walk with us through our pain and deliver into moments blanketed by the Holy Spirit. 

This moment, just the beginnings of one I am working on for Mama Giraffe, represents one of many cathartic moments of healing, blanketed in love and relief, just like the run.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Today's the day. Today's the day I will share with the world- exposing a great deal about myself and my brokenness. Yesterday I watched a segment during ESPN's college game day during which Auburn's Sammi Coates was featured as an amazing mentor and friend to a young girl named Kenzie, who happens to be battling cancer. As I watched, tears streaming down my face, I thought: how dare I? How dare I ever complain or feel pain when there is a little girl out there who has battled for years, fighting a terrible disease that must impact her life in a thousand different challenging ways. And what about her mother? Daily facing a very real fear that her beautiful child might be taken from her? Both of these women, as well as the football player who has befriended them, and the millions of people out there met with heartbreaking circumstances, are inarguably heroic, and strong. Their stories however, make me so hesitant to share mine. Their tales seem to make what I am facing pale in comparison. But... If you've read my story hopefully you understand, that this is exactly the reason I feel compelled to share. To be brave enough to be vocal about what I faced and continue to face, with one conclusion: this life is so hard. But amidst the challenge I can see the blessing, and choose to put my trust in a God that has shown he will heal me. 

Today is a day when I physically feel, quite honestly, miserable. I have tried so hard to be the person I used to be... Attempting to jog and feeling just awful. Unsuccessfully fighting stomach pain that prevents me from ever really stretching out-leaving me to feel that I am perpetually hunched over, trying to protect myself from further sickness or pain. Trying so hard to finally wean off of pain medicine which makes me feel desperate, discouraged, and once again, unable to take care of my baby girl the way I want to. My body is healing, but so incrementally that I feel it is failing me.

So this is the reality in which I daily live. How about you? Are you in a season of blessing... And hurting? Do you believe, like me, that the two can coexist? 

I do not have the perfect answer. But amidst my pain I continue to pray that God will complete his work- making me into a new creation. Made stronger and deeper and more compassionate by the trials He gives me. 

Remember everyone, that I believe God's desire for this website is to be a place for all to connect and share what is on their heart, perhaps a time when things didn't turn out the way you thought they were supposed to be. 

Just last night, as I signed some documents for insurance, I had a flashback to the many times, day after day, that I signed a release just before I went into surgery...a time when I actually felt God's peace, but still cried and cried out to Him because I felt I had to consider how serious each time really was. Somehow signing my name took me back to those moments, and I completely broke down. We have these moments of course, and giving myself grace I know--I am loved by God, but I am human. There were tears, but it was still a beautiful day.

I daily remind myself of what Romans 8:28 tells me:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  (NIV)

This was something I could so easily understand in the hospital, in the middle of the storm. It is more difficult now when the memories flood back. Is there something, an experience, or a part of your story that needs your daily attention to the fact that God is working for our good? Please use this space to speak about it if you would like. 
                   
*If you would like to be a part of Mama Giraffe, and have your story featured as part of our mission, please see the "About" page.