Colostrum difficile is a horrible thief. I've called this nasty infection lots of names over the last few months- not many of which I would admit out loud. But suffice it to say that I've decided she's a girl- and a mean one. Sometimes I feel like she has dismantled my identity piece by piece.
She has robbed me of being a parent to my little girl. What feels like a million times I have had to say, "Mommy doesn't feel good sweetie-" and unlike when she was an infant, she knows that I am not there or am not fully present.
She has taken away my ability to exercise and eat healthy.
Though he is still the best partner, nurse, and advocate I could ask for...She has violated the relationship I have with my husband, one is has taken months to rebuild after so many pelvic surgeries and trauma.
She has taken me away from my job as a teacher- one I love, in which I find joy, healthy stress, and passion. She has made me feel like I abandoned my students and their families.
Sometimes, in moments of extreme pain or another gut-wrenching trip to the bathroom, c diff has even taken away my faith. She makes me question the steadfastness of the Lord and His ability to intercede on my behalf.
If you don't know what c diff is, go ahead and check it out here http://mobile.the-scientist.com/article/30486/wrestling-with-recurrent-infections, or just google it. It's one of those things that is becoming sadly more common, but unless you've had it, you can't really "get it;" just like every other human experience we have. The doctor confirmed that I had the infection weeks after my thirteenth surgery this past August- one required to take care of the abcesses from an another unexpected pelvic infection. It comes as a result of extended use of antibiotics, and typically just requires another round of antibiotics (seems counterintuitive, I realize). Yet 5 courses of antibiotics, 6 months, one fecal transplant, and quite a few tears later, here we are. Unless we're really tight and you've heard me go on and on about disgusting symptoms, just not feeling like myself, fecal transplants, and doctors appointments, you might look at me and think "you're fine!" I even sometimes question it myself, because I have moments of feeling pretty ok, and can even function, do errands, and somewhat take care of my little one. But then the debilitating aches will hit me a few hours after I eat and I become bedridden. Or every single time I wake up: from a nap, in the middle of sleep, every morning...and my tummy just hurts. Bad.
So I am choosing to write this update now, in the middle of my c diff journey: when I'm not healed, the battle is not yet over, the verdict not in. I am consistently challenged by people, both in my own time and in the Word, who choose to praise Jesus in the middle of a storm- many in a tempest much more tumultuous than my own. So as this thief continues to ravage my life, I am choosing to step away from comparison and worldliness, into singing his praises.
What I have learned through c diff, a new chapter in my ongoing wrestle with this life, is that trusting in and loving God, like in any other loving relationship, is a choice. In my study of the book of Haggai, in the Old Testament, it became quickly apparent to me that the Lord wishes us to put him first, whether our burdens be light or heavy, and that he will be with us:
"' Be strong all you people of the land,' declares the Lord Almighty. 'This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And my spirit remains among you. Do not fear.'" -Haggai 2:4-5. A good friend sent me the lyrics to Lauren Daigle's powerful "Trust in You," and for me there is no greater power than in her statement:
"There's no place I stand that you've not already stood." It helps me to know that Jesus intimately knows every little trial and joy we face. When I think about that, it's really not important that any other human understand.
So. He was here. He is here. And He is not going anywhere. And in the middle of this season, I will choose to see it as temporary, and choose Jesus.
This latest page shows the point in Mama Giraffe where baby Giraffe is helping Hippo out of a bubbly mud pit he is stuck in! Coincidentally I feel just like Hippo- stuck, but grateful for everything and everyone that are trying to pull him out.